I *heart* Bombay (and well..Boston)

I'm urban..in the way other people are mountain-people or tunafish junkies. I love city life...something about dreary concrete blocks and grumpy people totally gets my juices flowing. Ergo, this will be a blog about me, my two favourite cities (Bombay and Boston), my addiction to Vietnamese coffee and my views on Gregorian chant and it's efficacy in curing some types of tympannic membrane rupture. Enjoy!

Monday, April 24, 2006

I'm having an acute Googlism!

I always Google people up before meeting them. I'm clearly not alone..one recent Rolling Stones mag estimated 40% of people Google up possible dates/love interests. (And for those Googling me right now..NO! I am not a nanotechnology professor from Stanford) Which is why I was quite happy to get the link to www.googlism.com from a friend today.

Googlism finds the sentences where your name appears accross the Web. Within the Google results are thousands of thoughts and opinions about thousands of different topics, people, names, things and places, it simply searches Google and let you know what website owners think about the name or topic you suggested.

So seeing as I have no life and am easily entertained... (Well, the Family Feud Funny Answers kept me laughing my ass off for about an hour this morning), I decided to put in my name and see what sentences sing my praises on the WWW. Here they are (with my comments):

vikram is doing good and he is really fantastic actor (Why! Thank you!)
vikram is still not a star leaving ample scope for experimentations (Hot men are an experiment?)
vikram is put into situations where he has no authority but takes it as his responsibility to wipe out the anti-socials (With Kleenex and Harpic!)
vikram is a poor blind guy who lives his life by singing in streets and he hardly makes any money to keep his family running (Well, the marathon is still 7 months away)
vikram is a local rowdy who is a big guy in that area (Err...* inches?)
vikram is 20 years old (Well, I have parts that are that young..)
vikram is the guy in charge here (*cracks whip and slips into S/M outfit*)
vikram is a director's actor (I respond to direction...*wink*)
vikram is responsible for ensuring smooth functioning of all backs (Sigh. No comments)
vikram is a rare find (Thank you Amma!)
vikram is a great success in the business world (Well, whoring is starting to pay off)
vikram is getting offers by the dozen each day (See above)
vikram is being shot in a village setting (Great! This means no doctors?)
vikram is thrilled with the way the film shaped up (Umm. Yeah. "That" film.)
vikram is not clearly told (And this is why it hurt you so much)
vikram is sneha (I am? This must explain the hips)
vikram is currently an assistant professor in the department of general surgery (This is why I blog so rarely)
vikram is a leading hotel of delhi (This must explain why there's a queue to get in..)
vikram is adamant to go ahead with his plan by now (Or he's gonna throw himself a tantrum)
vikram is currently serving as the secretary of the student's council of the indian institute of science (Does this mean I wear a short skirt and sleep with my boss?)
vikram is courageous enough to face any kind of challenge (MUMMMMMMYYYY!!!)
vikram is reunited with his wife (Now that "she's" grown a dick and chest hair)
vikram is drawn towards his cousin played by sneha (Eww. How about his male cousin instead? Sorry A. I know you read this blog....)
vikram is extremely attached to his mother (And you wonder why I'm gay!)
vikram is currently in between jobs and willing to relocate (To Ibiza...)
vikram is the saving grace (That's right bitches. Now bow down!)
vikram is only toying with bijuriya (Unless that means "dick" in Bhojpuri, I'm not sure!)
vikram is an even greater hero and indra himself comes down from the heavens to praise him (Ah. How I love Desi hyperbole!)
vikram is afraid of him and thinks of him as a "devil" (I'm talking about you here N.!)
vikram is murdered in his turn and phoolan is brutally gang raped (Err. OK. MAAAADARCHHOD!!)
vikram is a very physique youth (Liar. I'm so not a youth!)
vikram is equally good (As? Tiramisu after fantastic sex?)
vikram is forced to get lodgings in the city's worst neighborhood (Nahin! Bandra, you're being libeled!)
vikram is the author of "value added mergers" (LOL! Dirty image comes to mind)
vikram is the able administrator (Unless it comes to his own wallet)
vikram is energised by his newest hotel project (Yeah! It's called "Rooms by the hour")
vikram is active in the science professionals as a resource knowledge program (Man. Am I great or wot?)
vikram is acquitted with charges of forgery (Hoorah! No more Oz-style poundings!)
vikram is tortured in the police station (They withheld my AbFab DVDs and made me watch Balaji soaps)
vikram is practicing yoga (I can get my legs waaaaaay up....)
vikram is now getting into directing project (After buying "directing project" dinner of course!)
vikram is his best friend (I love myself. Upto 3 times daily)
vikram is best known for his action thrillers so industry is watching carefully (Watching me in action? Ooh. Kinky industry!)
vikram is a close second (That's right boys...a close second.. ;-)
vikram is eventually killed (How? I wanna know how O great Oracle of doom!)
vikram is very centrally located (And yet, hasn't shown up on many maps..)
vikram is the hottest property in tamil industry after rajini and kamal (Mind it!)
vikram is also known for solving contemporary industrial problems (This is why my dates fall asleep)
vikram is now a household name in cudiea pradesh (I should move there...)
vikram is the fifth generation of a rich business family in england (Who was cut off without a penny for being too hot to belong)
vikram is the ceo of melonfire (Hehehe..melonfire)
vikram is an actor's director (I used to be a director's actor once)
vikram is all geared up for action (OMG! That is SO true! Pity I'm wearing my date undies!)

Now all y'all know everything about me. I removed the bit about me being a gold medallist from the Indian Insstitue of Technology. G-d knows I don't need that bit of info screwing up my sex life...

Current Music:
Nothing's gonna stop us now : Starship

One of the only songs I can sing in both voices at karaoke (The other being Love Shanck..Don't even ask!). Of course, the voices all come naturally once I'm sozzled enough.....

Friday, April 21, 2006

Dilemnas..moral and otherwise

"Eddie, Eddie, Eddie...I have a moral dilemna"
"What ARE you talking about Pats? You have no morals!"

Ah, if life were just that easy! Sadly, I have both morals (very few, I assure you!) and dilemnas to deal with. I love the cards that elephant-headed fat man in the sky deals me. Just when I'm all set to coast through life on my jet ski (I've always pictured myself "coasting through life" on a jet ski..I don't know why), I get walloped by a giant wave of "What do I do with this?". And then I have to head off to my usual think-about-stuff places (The Dome Bar, Marine Drive and the coffee shop at Crosswords) to analyze and over-analyze shit to death till I come outta there with the absolutely wrong way to deal with what ails me!

I'm going to start sounding like Carrie Bradshaw with my inane questions pretty soon. Other than the fact that I type this out on a PC wearing a Tshirt and jeans while she's on an IBook in a slip and panties, I think we're much the same person. Vaguely remember taking one of those "Which Sex and the City character are you?" quizzes...and I came off as a cross between Carrie and Miranda. Thank G-d it wasn't my "Why can't I be a father too" day or my "Stick that nine-incher down my throat" day or the outcome of that quiz might have been a lot different.

Anyway, here are my present dilemnas. All very shallow and very Carrie-esque.

1. When you know your friend is hanging out with a sicko, do you tell him the gory details or keep quiet?

2. Is it OK to hope a couple you know break up so you can mack on one of them?

3. Just how many crushes is one allowed to have? And why can't they live in India dammit!

4. Is it possible to really want someone you have never met?

5. When do you realize you've met The One?

6. How much compromise is OK when you meet someone interesting? Does everyone have to be a 10/10?

7. Am I a bad Indian boy if all I want to do is travel around the world not working?

8. What can I do to get a bleedin' guy to dance with me at the GB party!

9. Is my lack of persistence in following up a "We should have coffee sometime" causing me to miss out on interesting guys?

10. Do I ..gulp.. move my age limit for guys-I'll-date 5 years down to account for all the 21 years olds infesting the Bombay gay scene?

And finally...

11. As a gay man, just how many times am I allowed to kiss a woman before coming out to her?

A dozen beers down and I've only "solved" 3 of my dilemnas. And acted on just one. And yes, true to form, the Vikster picked the wrong answer and now a friend thinks I'm trying to sabotage his life cause I want him that bad. (No, I'm not. Yes, I do) ┬┐Problemas extra├▒os eh?

In other news, Paul van Dyke's in Bombay just as I shake out the last few paise in my wallet to buy a samosa. This is why I should have stayed awake when my dad talked about "budgeting" and "planning" and "common sense" instead of hearing what I wanted "spending", "spontaniety" and "immaturity". Now I have 4/1500th of the cost of the ticket in my wallet rightnow..and I need it to buy the Midday. Or a lottery ticket. Whatever. I need a drink.

Current Music:
Amar Sonar Bangla - Bangladeshi National Anthem

I like the lyrics to this anthem. Very Very beautful (Or is that Bherry Bherry Bheautiphool?). Found it on a Bangladeshi Remix site. Who know! B'desh has pop music. And much of it sounding a lot better than Indian "Himesh Reshamiyaa" crap.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The perfect Mr. lovah-lovah

Tag...I'm it.

Baldrick (Or is it still Kate/Bob) has very kindly tagged me (Thank you! I was running out of things to write) and wants me to list my Qualities of the Perfect Lover. I also see that Roswitha didn't tag me personally prefering to lump me under the title "Whoever reads my blog". Well, that's all right. I've been called far worse in the recent past. I was just described to a stranger by an aquaintance as "He's one of those.......bloggers". In my best Meena Kumari ishstyle: "main toh mar hi gaya". The venom, the envy, the condescension...I LOVED it!

Anyway, onto the task at hand (aaahhhhh! OK not that task) : Qualities of a perfect lover (A man..since I was asked to list sex of person I was thinking of love-karofying)

1. "My baby, he don't talk sweet
He ain't got much to say
But he loves me, loves me, loves me
I know that he loves me anyway"

I want a guy who knows when he needs to just shut up and listen to me. I talk like ALL the time. So it helps that I find someone who is a lot quieter...but of course, listening to me with rapt attention. I also don't need the "I Love You, Honey, Baby, Baccha, Pappu" type of endearments all the time. A once-when-I-least-expect-it "I love you" is simply the best.

2. "And maybe he don't dress fine
But I don't really mind
'cuz every time he pulls me near
I just wanna cheer:
Let's hear it for the boy

Expensive clothes have never mattered to me. I do like it if he dresses comfortably and appropriately to whatever occasion we're at. A guy who wears a freshly laundered white shirt (NOT one of those cheapo 4-anna ki gentry type muscle Tshirts all the Tom, Dicks and Hariprasads wear at Coffee Day) and tight (Since he's got to have a great arse, the tighter the jeans - the better) blue jeans...Yum.

3. "My baby may not be rich
He's watching every dime
But he loves me loves me loves me,
We always have a real good time."

I don't necessarily want a rich man. Just someone financially independent enough to buy me the occasional book or take me to a movie (I'll pay for the snacks!). Then again, the older I'm getting - the more mercenary I am getting...This bit might change when I hit 30 and want a lover with a house of his own in super-expensive Bombay, or someone who wants to take me to Greece on holiday instead of buying me a second-class ticket to Borivili.
He will/must "love me love me love me" and must be extroverted enough to have a great time whereever he is.. on vacation or at work.

4. "And maybe he sings off key,
But that's all right by me, yeah
But what he does he does so well
Makes me wanna yell"

I love a guy who doesn't care what the world thinks - someone who will get up in front of a crowded bar and belt out a love song to me (I, of course, will be cringing into my martini) ... or someone who'd be just as comfy grabbing me and planting a (very very very good) kiss on my lips.
And of course, he's GOT TO be good in the sack. A perfect lover would take care of business so well that he'd encourage me to get off my lazy arse and match him in stamina, ability or whatever. And yeah, he'd make me wanna yell allright!

In conclusion, ladies and jellyspoons,

Let's hear it for the boy
Oh, let's give the boy a hand
Let's hear it for my baby
You know you gotta understand
Oh, maybe he's no Romeo
But he's my love and one man show
Let's hear it for the boy!

Current music:
Total Eclipse of the heart - Bonnie Tyler

I think I'm in this 80's mood today. Does this mean a trip to Hawaiian Shack is in the offing tonight? I think it's Indian Idol finals today..which means I HAVE TO escape my house and the gawdawful drama that they have on that piece of shit show.

Sunday, April 09, 2006


So this isn't about the Poltergeist in the Harry Potter books (Side note: My least favourite character as well..probably cause in India he'd be a fat Sindhi kid called Bunty).

This is about all the festering, smouldering (and you thought it was the "sexy look"!) and bubbling angry-ish feeling I get when the following happen. My pet peeves as it were. Except they're rare enough that I don't necessarily have to confront them everyday..but often enough that sometimes I just want to hold my head and scream out "WHY! In the name of all that's holy..WHY!"

1. People who type "Chao" instead of "Ciao": People people people! One's a Chinese great-grandmother with bound feet and the other is one of those multi-purpose words that abound in the Romance languages (in this case in Italian). Use them correctly!

2. People who wear wool knit caps: Unless Anu Malik is your Indian Idol, I don't see why someone living in 35C temperatures NEEDS to wear a wool knit cap in the middle of the afternoon. Or at a club. Or at the gym (WTF?) Which "char anne ki gentry" type guy started this whole fad anyway?

3. Club stamps that won't wear off: I'm walking around a poster child for Bombay's clubs. Left wrist? Hawaiian Shack and Polyesthers. Right wrist? Razz Rhino and Purple Haze. My mom thinks I have bad bruises on my wrist and worries I have an abusive boyfriend. HAH! Can we please ask Bombay's club mafia (you know they exist) to come up with some better quality ink for their stamps? Something that will wash off as opposed to me having to wait till 3 epidermal layers are lost before I can go out again?

4. Friends who date my exs: AARGH. I hate you. And you know who you are.

5. Extra spicy panipuri water: If I wanted to recreate the Heimlich maneuver discovery in the midst of Pali Naka, I think I know where to go. Stupid Punjab Sweet House decides ever-so-often that I need some fire in my belly. So instead of my theeka kam, I get the full corrosive acid treatment for my innner throat. Of course, this means that the kitty party aunties waiting outside 5-Spice get to see me gasp, cough and turn a bright shade of blue .. all the while fanning themselves with their LV purses. Bitches.

6. Rickshaw wallas with bad music: Hey Bhagwaan. That is like the absolute worse. A rick ride from Lokhandwalla to Bandra with Himesh Reshamiyya's brand of copy cat Arabic music is more than I can bear.

7. Bombay weather in April/May: I am melting. Not in a good way. And when you're squeezed into a club with 500 other sweaty, shirtless men and the AC off (like I was this weekend at the GB Party), it's simply a recipe for disaster. Let's just say that all those believers in gay pheromones, I have only one word for you. DEODORANT!

8. Flying cockroaches: I had one settle on my face a few nights ago while I was asleep. Woke up feeling weirdly ticklish and knew it was no dream (Well, the 3 guys working on me in my dream sure as hell weren't tickling me..). I think the resulting scream woke up most of the street. And then I had to try to squish it (yes, I know..bad karma) with my Osho chappals..the only thing that had the required surface area (I think I tried to squish it with a DVD as well..hey! It was 3 am!). Next shopping buy? New chappals.

9. "Art collectors": Everyone of the prints and paintings I've wanted to buy in the last 3 months seems to have slipped my grasp cause some Gujju philistine with more money than interest has snapped it all up. Grr. I'm reduced to hanging Kaalnirnay calendars on my walls to hide the gaping spaces....

10. The entire jeans-making industry: Why can't someone with long legs, broad hips and a butt that's "getting there" find a nice pair of jeans? I've been searching for that elusive pair for 2 months now... I think the good folks down at globus now dread my twice-weekly visits. "Sir, why don't you try a wider waist jeans? Then you can get length as well". Quelle horreur! They want me to buy size 32?? That's it, time to renew the 100 crunches before breakfast routine again. Oh wait, just who am I kidding....Pass me those 32's..

Current Music:
Futarino Osaka - Miyako Harumi and Miyazaki Masa

This is in the "enka" style of Japanese music. From the post-WW2 period till the late 60's. Reminds me very much of the old Geeta Dutt style songs. Here's a good link to download some enka. http://home.megapass.net/~park4156/Enka.html

Monday, April 03, 2006

Vik and Meenu!

Best Friends Forever!

I miss you Meenu..I hope Boston is just as fun as we left it....Oh wait! Do me a favour. Go to the VW dealership at Auburn and chuck a stone through the dealer's pane there...the bastard wouldn't service my Passat in 2000.

Also, I hope you come back and visit me .. seeing as Ammrikka grows distanter and distanter (and my Angrezi grows worser and worser) as time goes by. Perhaps I could move to Montreal and we could have our weekend debauches at Rue St. Catherine...the go-go boys there are divine!

Bandra isn't the same without you... I think I spotted the Natural Icecream gy shedding tears into his tender coconut waffle cone as he contemplated St. Dominic's without Meenu... Somehow losing my hag has made Cafe Coffee Gay that much less fun. Seriously, how can we play "Spot the Gay" and "Fag or Fashionable" and "I'd do him" anymore? I suppose we could compromise..I'd head to your haunt at Barista at Reclamation and you could head to my haunt at Diesel at Davis Sq. and play our games via sms... Isn't it weird that you can see M. whenever you want..and I get to see your A.? I just thought about that...

Come visit me soon..I miss you! And my fag hag auditions haven't gone as well as I'd hoped. Somehow you brought that special mix of *Karen Walker meets Punjabi auntieji* that I so need in my fag hags..

Till then, I leave you with our magic chant "I was soooo wetttt".

Love you lots,
Tumhara airport pickupwaala