I *heart* Bombay (and well..Boston)

I'm urban..in the way other people are mountain-people or tunafish junkies. I love city life...something about dreary concrete blocks and grumpy people totally gets my juices flowing. Ergo, this will be a blog about me, my two favourite cities (Bombay and Boston), my addiction to Vietnamese coffee and my views on Gregorian chant and it's efficacy in curing some types of tympannic membrane rupture. Enjoy!

Friday, March 03, 2006

My gaydar sucks!

Another weekend, another set of bars to hang out at. All of them are in Bandra (except on the off chance I get a ride up to Phoenix to hang out at the Sports Bar there). The reason being my lack of enthu to get to Bandra station, stand in a queue for G-d knows how long, dodge the limbless man, oozing wounds man and disfigured leper at the ticket counter and then head to town in my dhinchak club wear. I simply can't be bothered anymore. How much easier to just walk down to the neighborhood bar (the one where they all know your name..Cheers? No, I think it's Totos!)

Anyway, was at Seijo with les fiances S. (S & S...like my favourite deli in Inman Square, these are my 2 favourite people to hang out with...now that Meenu is leaving me for Ammrikka!). I figured it's just a few beers with the str8 folk anyway so as usual I was totally not prepared to be flirty, interesting or fun. Yes, I am fake enough and cynical enough that I have to be in the mood to flirt nowdays. However, S. kept pointing out these hotties (where have they been the whole time?) who kept walking in and out of Seijo and asking me if I thought they were cute/hot/father-of-my-kids type. And that's when I realized I have abyssmal gaydar. Honestly, my str8 friends have better 'dar than I do. And that scares and appalls me..seeing as I probably passed on several glances, flirts and hints from the possible loves of my life (Why am I sounding like Jack from Will & Grace?). I mean honestly, the only way I know someone is gay is if he comes up to me and is downright blatant "Hello Baby, do you want to do body sex with me?"

Anyway, I tried yesterday with a little help from my friends to identify the gay men at the bar. 3 of them were too easy. One uber-closet case ("Don't talk to me at the bar.. people will think I'm gay".. HELLO! You couldn't get gayer if you were wearing a tutu!), one druggie and one "artiste". Then came the tough part. Identified 3 candidates to analyze (this was the point when the lack of dinner and the 3 beers started taking hold). And these are the points why I think these guys might be ...er... the only gay in the village.

1. L.L. Cool Gay : (Nickname assigned by Sanj.)
  • Came to bar with 4 women
  • Dressed better than any of them
  • Danced with hands held above head thus exposing taut midriff (and creating mini-boner in the Vikster's pants)
  • Drank a Bacardi Breeze while the women chugged their beers
  • WAY too much bling on his wrists
  • Nice shoes
  • Took pictures of himself with his cellphone (Come into my arms Vain Man!)
2. Model-Shodel Boy : (Punju-Shanju Guy-Wuy drinking-winking at Seijo-Weijo)
  • Pants were WAY too tight (Bonus points for the nice ass though!)
  • Tattoo of butterfly on beautifully sculpted upper arm (WTF?)
  • Sonu Nigam style bonded and highlighted hair (Gross! He looks like one of those mofussil-type Indian Idol wannabes with that hair!)
  • Drank Bacardi Breeze (again?)
  • Bopped around waving ciggie in air and was actually pouting! (Isn't that the exclusive prerogative of gay men? For reference: Check out Rahul Bose in the new watch commercial..)
3. Bank on me Man : (Vij, he looks just like what I think our friend - the dog lover looks like)
  • Fantastic clothes (then again, he probably just got out of work as an investment banker/stock broker/model for Amarsons)
  • Drinking a beer and standing at the bar just looking around
  • Nice watch, nice shoes
  • Pleated pants? Say what? (Who even wears these nowdays? Besides Bhaiyyas from UP?)
  • Began dancing only when the Madonna remix came on
So these were my three victims last night. Of course, being true to form, I just stood there drinking my Kingfisher observing. I considered smiling at them but then I remembered the geisha Mameha's advice to the maiko Nita Sayuri. The one where she teaches her to floor a man with only one glance and not a word. I'm aiming to try this method out for a month. Let's see how it goes!
Anyway, I tried my best to figure out just which of these 3 believed in the love that dare not speaks it's name. And I failed miserably. I had 15 minutes to analyze all 3 individually and these were the only points I figured out. And they all went back with a woman. (Then again, that need not necesarily mean anything...I alwyas leave clubs/bars with a woman. Heck, I even leave GB parties with a woman..or someone sufficiently post-op to count).

Lack of Radar destroyed Atlantic shipping in 1916. Lack of Gaydar destroys Vikster in 2006.

Current Music:
Russian Waltz - Shostakovich

My favourite waltz ever. It fits somehow that I'm listening to it .. seeing as I'm reading a book on Stalin and this waltz is by Stalin's favourite composer. I love how he uses Russian folk elements in this waltz. Two manicured thumbs up.

28 Comments:

  • At 11:12 PM, Blogger ahem! said…

    "creating mini-boner in the Vikster's pants".... hahhahahaaaaahahhaaaa! cute!

    I had no idea there are so many gays in aamchi mumbai. I for one can make one out only from their walk or if they go about flashing their pinky... no not that pinky, silly boy!

     
  • At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Your Gaydar is bound to suck...Thanks to the hypocritical community you have in there.

    To proclaim oneself as gay is a fad these days...but to stand for what you say needs some guts. Not all have it in them like you.

    Rub on this attribute to some of them and it will save you the trouble of playing "Whos's who?"

    Buena suerte!!!

     
  • At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Steve said…

    interesting and funny post. so hows society accepting gays in Mumbai Vikster? Growing up in that society, how and when did you figure you were gay, a post on the coming out of closet would be an interesting read. How have your parents and relatives taken it. Your posts make for good reading.

    Steve from Miami, FL

     
  • At 10:09 AM, Blogger Vijayeta said…

    Yes! Your gaydar sucks indeed! ...And you're STILL trying that "look" from Memoirs of a Geisha??? ...This too shall pass ;)
    And oh, does "our friend the dog lover" really wears pleated pants?
    Nooo...
    :(

     
  • At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yo,

    Hey if a certain low life named Duncan really wanted to call and hang out just to be friends how does he contact you without having to beg on a Bulletin Board like this one?

    DUNCAN

     
  • At 9:20 PM, Blogger Wild Reeds said…

    Amen to anonymous comment: "To proclaim oneself as gay is a fad these days...but to stand for what you say needs some guts"

     
  • At 10:19 PM, Blogger Vikster said…

    Ahem: You should know! Seeing as the ins and outs of my life are all confided to you every morning over Bharat's chai!

    Anony #1: Gracias amigo! Though I wouldn't go calling "proclaiming yourself gay" as a fad. It takes a long and hard journey to come out and be yourself...and you know..it's hard to go back once you make that leap.

    Steve from Miami: I would love to post about that sometime..though I suspect it'll make for some rather dreary reading...

    Vij: You know how sucky my Gaydar is! Seeing as you're always around when I flirt with the wrong guy!
    The Geisha look is very much on my plate this MArch. Will let you know just how many men are florred by it.

    Duncan: 2 things. I have my yahoo IM id opn my profile in this blog. Secondly: Just friends? :-(

    Wild Reeds: Amen too..but do you really agree with the fad bit?

     
  • At 10:59 PM, Blogger karuna said…

    its been some time since i came here and I was duly reminded hilarious you actually are!
    Practice makes perfect, you'll get there...

     
  • At 12:51 AM, Blogger roswitha said…

    Quelle surprise, The Gadfly is one of my very favourite pieces of music. How can one not love a man named Shostakovich, anyhow?

     
  • At 10:36 AM, Blogger Reviewer "Devil" Extraordinaire said…

    The first half of this reminded me of the Joe Cocker song. The title track of "Wonder Years", ya know.

    "With A Little Help From My Friends " - http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/easyrider/withalittlehelpfrommyfriends.htm

    Now it will be stuck in my head all day ! Gaaaaaaahhhhhh !

    Last week it was Chicago's - "If you leave me now"

    Somebody stop this !

    ~ Balaji

     
  • At 5:21 PM, Blogger Hob Gadling said…

    Ok everyone in the world please listen!

    "With A Little Help From My Friends" is not, REPEAT NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT a Joe Cocker song! Joe Cocker did a cover which became famous. It is a Beatles song. Written by Lennon and McCartney for the Sgt. Pepper's album.

    Look here if you don't believe me.

    You know the worst part??? I lost a quiz once (final!!) when I said this was a Beatles track. The goddamn quizmaster didn't know!!!! (I bet you understand how pissed that would have made me Vikster!)

    So to recap children, "With A Little Help From My Friends" is a Beatles track. Beatles. Beatles!!!!!!!!

    Aaaaaaaaaargh! (Just generally shouting to make my point.)

     
  • At 2:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ah! Off we go via a Vikster muse on a swish(luncheon was fun at 21, and I had to run for drinks at..)Well, my drear, have you ever entertained the "Seijo"(that CAN'T be right: that was my train station stop when living in Tokyo!)sortie, "dodging the limbless man, the oozing wounds man, the disfigured leper", all in the bathetic hope of reafirming "my gaydar." Alas, only to have to be confronted with the dark-of-the-night question:"why are you sounding like Jack from Will & Grace"?Well, my drear, have you ever entertained the not totally impossible idea that it's because you might be on the verge of tettering on the border of being wholly vapid and incredibily fatuous and vacuously mindless, huh?And did the "oozing wounds man and the disfigured leper"keep the Vikster from runnin' on EMPTY?Inquiring minds DEMAND to KNOW!
    Christ, is it any wonder that the Straights think us all lightweight and, like "Queer Eye For The Suckered Straight", utterly de trop? I ask you now.
    -I Claudius
    P.S. JOE'S fave composer wasn't Shostakovich; he almost had him dispatched to the Gulags. In point of fact, he had a tin ear, except for maudlin Georgian folk(drink) songs, and, according to daughter Svetlana, a wee bit of Glinka, when tight, which was almost every night.

     
  • At 9:05 PM, Blogger IRIS said…

    Hahaha....Amazing read your gaydar:-)

     
  • At 11:18 AM, Blogger Wild Reeds said…

    Yes Vikster it is a fad among those who have nothing to lose.

     
  • At 1:29 AM, Blogger kuriakonz said…

    LMAO!!!! oh man!! your gaydar sucks!!! like a vacuum cleaner!

     
  • At 1:52 AM, Blogger kuriakonz said…

    bah.. searched all over your blog for your yahoo id... couldnt find tho.. but i found your flickr..

    and i took the liberty of adding you as "friend" so that erm you'll see.

    cheers

     
  • At 3:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Vikster,

    you are fabulous !! Tell me where can I find a straight man as witty, smart and authentic as you....please please please..

     
  • At 2:10 AM, Blogger pranav said…

    haha...damn...when did it become gay/bhaiyya to be wearing pleated pants..guess I need some catching-up with the fashion of the times...:-D...by that description, almost everyone in the business district here has to be gay...happy hunting..!;-P
    guess I'll also try my radar smtime when I'm bored of ogling at the ladies - it normally doesnt work beyond the more obvious ones or the ones hanging out outside the bandra station
    And yeah..I was quite intrigued by the geisha look concept - wonder if something like that works for the ladies

     
  • At 2:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    oh man friendly neighbourhood bar totos..
    thos sans the loud music now...

    satya

     
  • At 10:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hey ALL!

    I'm in AMRIKA! Please keep in touch. I miss the Vikster dearly.

    Muahs
    Meenu

     
  • At 4:38 PM, Anonymous Jaidev said…

    Hi Vikster,

    I regularly read your blog and completely enjoy my time here. I especially like your write ups relating to Bandra and Bombay, where I am from, especially since I have been away from some time.

    Just wanted to post and say thanks for all the time I've enjoyed here and will continue to enjoy.

    Keep up the great work.

    Jaidev

     
  • At 12:15 AM, Blogger ça va pas la tête said…

    Cool site.

     
  • At 4:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey ---VIC---when I get to BOMBAY i'll contact you and give you a local ###, if i check this before i leave give me a couple of names of books you want, or i'll grab some roman history stuff....DUNCAN REVEALED ( but not worth the drum roll) Really though. Trust me.

     
  • At 1:57 PM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said…

    If and when I get to Bombay--how I'd love it. How ya doing, anyway?

     
  • At 12:12 PM, Blogger Wild Reeds said…

    Hey Vikster give us your next post already! It's been almost a month...

     
  • At 8:17 PM, Blogger Ameet said…

    Yeah! Time for another post!!! C'mon - let the juices flow!!

     
  • At 11:37 AM, Blogger mumbai_jerry said…

    hey vic...great post...gives me a complex every time i update my blog...cheers

     
  • At 8:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
    Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!

     

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