I *heart* Bombay (and well..Boston)

I'm urban..in the way other people are mountain-people or tunafish junkies. I love city life...something about dreary concrete blocks and grumpy people totally gets my juices flowing. Ergo, this will be a blog about me, my two favourite cities (Bombay and Boston), my addiction to Vietnamese coffee and my views on Gregorian chant and it's efficacy in curing some types of tympannic membrane rupture. Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The little Indian that could...

That would be me. Atleast, that's what it's taken me close to 2 weeks to come up with. To weigh the pros and cons, to assess my options, to come up with reasons not to, to procrastinate and hope it goes away, to walk away and let the thoughts come flooding in, to take a break from it all and see what happens. It's all come down to tonight.

Tonight is M. birthday. Well, it's morning in Boston so I suppose he's just waking up about now to a cup of birthday cheer. And I'm petrified he's not alone. Alone like I am. Alone like I feel.

It's taken me 2 weeks to decide that I will call him tonight and wish him a happy birthday and the best that life has to offer. Because that is what I want for him. For him to be happy, successful and smiling. The way I remember him the last birthday when he was holding me at the bar at Seven watching Meenu and the gang dancing away. Or smiling with that mischevious glint in his eye when I told him what his birthday present was going to be that night.

I miss him so much - it physically hurts. I didn't think I felt this strongly for him. I thought the feeling would go away in time. I thought I'd meet other guys and I'd soon forget. And guess what? It has only gotten stronger. The guys I've met have only lead me to believe that M. was the one for me. And I let him go. I feel like such a fool about it today. I could have had it all...and I chose to leave it and come back to Bombay thinking I could be happier. And I'm not.

I hope this call changes things. I don't think he wants me back...all I want to do is hear his voice. I haven't heard him call me Twigster in 6 months now. (BTW, that name has nothing to do with my frame..more to do with my love for a certain Pizzicato 5 song) I think I would be crushed if he had someone else in his life. But there's nothing I can do about it is there?

Well, there is. 2 weeks of thinking (and 3 kilos down...man! Stress sure is a weight killer!) and I now have a resolution. I'm calling M. on his birthday. And I'm doingmy darndest to get back to Boston and him. Even if he's not available anymore, I have a goal to work for.

N. thinks i'm chasing a mirage. V. thinks I can find someone here and forget. Meenu thinks I have to try to move on. And God knows I tried. Even found 3 guys I thought were dateable. And? One fucks around, One is not into "relationships" and One lies his teeth off. The cream of Bombay's crop. Huzzah for the single life!

Anyway, this post sounds like such a downer. But I am down. I'm chipper and jumping all over the place 360 days of the year. But those remaining 5 days...Oy! Those 5 days! For all those who tried comforting me the last few days...thanks! I'll be much much better tommorrow. For al those who missed me and emailed asking for a blog post, thanks! Bet you didn't think this maudlin drivel was what you would get eh? And for all those comments asking me to "Get a life" and "Die fag die", thanks as well! You obviously took the time out to come to this blog and read.....

Current Music:
Some GODAWFUL Indian Idol shit my parents are making me listen to.

If I wasn't depressed then, I sure am now.


  • At 8:48 AM, Blogger Reviewer "Devil" Extraordinaire said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 8:50 AM, Blogger Reviewer "Devil" Extraordinaire said…

    Well, another friend of mine was in the same state a while back. What I said to him is this

    "Maybe there is something good in all of this. Atleast you know that you are truly capable of loving someone so much that it physically hurts."

    I don't know if your going to Boston is the right thing or not. That only time can tell. But according to me, I would rather do something and live with the consequences rather than wondering "What if?"

    And when it comes to decision making, my rule of thumb is this - "The right decisions are always the tough ones. That's why very few make them"

    Good Luck

    ~ Balaji

  • At 10:09 AM, Blogger a guppie said…

    Please do make the call and don't change your mind. I think i have heard u talk about the first two and am sad to hear what u have to say about the third.

  • At 11:43 AM, Blogger Hob Gadling said…

    Yeah, seriously, call. For a goal or for closure. But call.

  • At 2:18 PM, Blogger Id it is said…

    Snap out of it! Moping around never did anyone any good... moving on did.
    Check out what/who awaits you round the bend....

  • At 4:38 PM, Blogger Vijayeta said…

    Call, talk, snap out of it! I know you can. Think of our fairy tales... What if Prince Charming had never shown up? Would Snow White have laid in that glass box forever? Or would she have gotten up, spit out the apple, gotten a job and a savings account and moved on with her life?
    (Not saying you're Snow White, but simply drawing an analogy!)
    There are ALWAYS alternatives...
    *Making mental note to call you know who and figure the alternative...*

  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger R Pereira said…

    Your "Goa diary" sounded a little artificial. Not like you at all. So I figured you might be going through a hard time.
    I'd be feeling quite vulnerable too, if I got unkind comments and accusations heaped on me by raging lunatics, who seek to blame rather than understand.
    Whatever you do, all the best.

  • At 10:31 PM, Blogger roswitha said…

    Sigh, you've got my maternal instincts turned way up now, and I'm certain that's not good.

    I don't know if this will help, but I've had a traumatic fortnight and my motto, which has been very beneficial to me, is now: WWSSD, or, What Would Severus Snape Do?

    I know it's a bit destructive, but I always say if you can't be happy, be snarky.

  • At 12:26 AM, Blogger shyam said…

    Because that is what I want for him. For him to be happy, successful and smiling.

    Half of the time I understand that like of reasoning perfectly, the other half I can't make any sense of it. I mean, if your walking away is going to make the other person delirious with joy, there was something wrong about the arrangement in the first place and you are sort of missing the obvious. Then again, no relationship is without its problems, but there is always a fine balance between the problems in it and the benefit you can get from being in it.

    And God knows I tried. Even found 3 guys I thought were dateable. And? One fucks around, One is not into "relationships" and One lies his teeth off. The cream of Bombay's crop. Huzzah for the single life!

    That one sounds very very familiar.

    And do pardon my lecturing.

  • At 1:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sure you're an aquarian? Never seen one that's so dithery :-)

    Seriously, I'm not going to say anything new from the posts above - but strength lies in numbers. So please do make that call and decide which way. The fence will only perforate your butt.

    And as for the cream of Bombay... are you looking at the right places and the right people? looks and hooks seldom go together - looks melt away leaving behind the sort of comments you put here and hooks don't show till later. very few of us see the hooks early enough to hang on to the person behind the average facade. I've been lucky enough in this regard so I can preach lol.

    Move on dude - other fishes in the ocean, pebbles on the beach and stars in the sky. Hook your wagon to one that takes you to the next horizon. Life's too short to be brooding

  • At 6:24 AM, Anonymous closetalk said…

    mmmm... well, i wish u all the very best, mr joshi. hoping M is still single.

  • At 6:43 AM, Blogger Vikster said…

    Update: I made the call. Got the machine and left a message. No reply.

    B-ji: Didn't think you were still reading my blog! I agree with the "What if" scenario..I sure wouldn't wanna be 90 and wondering that..

    Guppie: Yeah. Pity about the third eh? Would have helped if people who knew he was lying told me about it.

    Hob: Called. No closure yet. But it'll happen methinks.

    Id it is: Looking around the bend is what has made me look back to what I miss..
    Snapping out of it is easy to say..and God knows I've tried. But it's not that easy.

    Vij: Thanks for trying to get me to be more social. Somehow I don't feel like it anymore(as you noticed that night at Purple Haze). If I can't be bitchy and witty and hot, I don't wanna leave home anyway (:-)

    RPereira: Thanks. BUt weirdly, I actually had a blast in Goa..and that post was (hopefully) reflective of how much fun I had. Then I came back to Bombay......

    Ros: I'm bringing out the boomslang skin and Millicent Bulstorde's hair as I type..

    Codey: I mean this is the one guy I wish the best for. The other bastards who broke my heart can drown in a barrel of Bal Thackeray's puke for all I care..This one I want the best for though. Cause he is one in a million...especially when you see what else is out there.

    Anony: I am an Aquarian..with a Cancer moon (does that help with the mood swing bit?)
    That's what I meant by meeting 3 people that I thought were dateable in Bombay. And none of those worked out for the reasons mentioned. What's a boy to do? Go from fling to fling hoping the hooks will latch on somewhere?

    CT: Thanks for the wishes...and for outing my last name as well LOL!

  • At 10:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    you don't handle rejection well. and that is why people reject you.

  • At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Third Decade said…

    Vik, thought I'd tune in quickly to see how you're doing over there. Guess I caught you on a bad day during the adjustment. Glad to hear you made the call, but not so sure coming all the way back here would be the right thing. Still, if you're going to travel, there's no better reason than for love. Lemme know if we'll be seeing you back in Boston someday.

  • At 8:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey Vik,
    Felt really sad for you after reading the blog. Take care buddy. Probably God has something else in mind for you. I go with the others, make the call but snap out of it.Remember that there is someone somwhere on this world who shall luv you more than you luv urself.

  • At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You don't say if "M" is American or Indian, which is germane to the "love-sick" problem at hand, at least you lead us to believe it, and who's to argue with "love?"
    Well, try this on for size: I think you're having us on.You won't let us in on whether "M" is Indian or Farang but want us to gulp down that you're so ga-ga over this guy in Boston you're prepared to go through the HORRORS of being the perpetual "ex-pat"(no mention of how you'll cop the residency visa or green card!)with all that that entails, leaving nationhood and family and future career and half your self behind in the Heat and Dust. I ain't buyin it! Why in the hell did you come back to India in the first place, huh?! You certainly must have been in the throes of even GREATER passionate LOVE then than now, no? I smell somethang "fishy" in Boston, and I think it's your story, not the harbor, pal.Your "love-riff" begs us to make the stretch that it's "unbridle throbbing of the heart" that's propelling you back Beantown-way. Sari, wrong #.Try laying your cards on the table. In the meantime,GET REAL!
    -Jake Gittes
    P.S. I'm in the midst of a 16-year "LOVE" affair with a medical doctor in Montreal, Canada(I'm writing from Sri Lanka!)who the Vikster knows is beyond handsome and brilliant, and I'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH HIM, and the "LOVE" is more stronger and wonderful NOW than when I first fell into that delicious state, circa 1990!Sex is over-valued, especially among the 20-30-somethangs. It's ALWAYS on the menu for those with the wit, time and $(Oh you COLOMBO CUTIES!)but LOVE? Ah, that's FOREVER, and has NUFFIN' to do with Passion and a great FUCK!

  • At 2:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You sound so different here, Vikster. I never knew Vikster the vulnerable, but here you are! :(
    If u ask me, i'll tell you to go back to him. And if u wonder if he is seeing someone else, talk to him, write, do whatever. Ask him if u can get back.
    Why would M not want you now? And if he is indeed seeing someone else, atelast you can cross him out and be lighter and free-er in your mind.

    and Jake: how does it matter whether M is firang/ indian or anything else in between? If staying away from your lover works for you, it may not work for someone else. Why are we trying to tailor the illness to suit the medicine instead of the other way round?

  • At 12:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey "H"!
    Boy, are you in need of a wake-up call; that, or a quick update on "international affairs." If you think "it doesn't matter" whether M is Indian or Farang(foreigner)you're living in a pretty sheltered corner of the world(it takes more than a village!). "Cross-cultural" relationships are tough sledding, all around! Believe me, pal, I've been there, done that(Christ! That's so corny, I agree), and know wherein I speak after some 20-odd years spent in Japan, UK, Norway, Taipei, Alaska,Mexico, a keen observer of the wonderful unions these cross-cultural love affairs produce; and, just as eagle-eyed, viewed with horror the alienation and bitterness many times more ensued following the break-down of these once-upon-a-time fairy tale affairs entered into when sex, a pretty-face and exoticism masked a tough slog in the "cultural-divide" department wherein race, language, cultural mores and a hasty heart surfaced to decline "good", i.e. "LOVE:Good, Better, Best and finally BESTED!Certainly many cross-cultural love affairs sail on to mutual satisfaction, but it's no easy ride, to be sure, and both parties must constantly make the effort to have it "WORK." Like I said(or Mr. Isherwwod):"I am a camera; been there and DONE THAT and know what I'm atalkin''bout,yaar, believe it! Before I get off my soap-box let me relate this story, too true.While living in Japan, I had a good friend in the media,an American from California. Quite a handsome chap(I had a "thing" for him at one time); all the pretty Japanese girls adored him.Well sir, one day he introduced me to this vivacious, terrible pretty Japanese doll of a girl; both were smitten with one another, it was plainly obvious, and soon(a year or so later) marriage ensued.I attended the ceremony(a cross-cultural one, with Shinto and Christian trappings). Several years went by and I moved on to Manila and Taipei(and, yes, INJA!).As chance would have it, I returned to Tokyo(briefly)five years after the marriage of, let us say, "Tom & Keiko" and one afternoon, defeated by work, found myself in a fave foreign(American-Brit-French-German-Dutch) "watering hole", that is to say--sleazy saloon(bar), and not five minutes on the bar staool, get a tap on the shoulder from, yeah, a chasened Tom, deep in his cups.After the usual greetings and catching-up on the past five years, the conversation, as I now recall, went like this:
    Tom:"Got a "problem", pal."
    JJji:"Yeah? What?"
    Tom:"The wife won't sleep with me."
    JJji:"Come again."
    Tom:"Keiko won't sleep with me."
    JJji(alarmed):"You don't say....."
    Tom:(sadder but wiser)"Yeah, she's changed a lot since.......(mumbles)"
    JJji:"What's this about her not wanting you anymore?"
    Tom:"Well, after since the baby was born; well, actually before that, she's become, well, kinda conservative, not like it was when you knew us back when...."
    JJji:"Yes, go on...."
    Tom:"She says she won't fuck me anymore UNLESS I WEAR A SHIRT TO BED..."
    JJji:"I beg your pardon?"
    Tom:"She said it's like FUCKING AN ANIMAL because of my HAIRY CHEST, so now I must wear a Tee-shirt when I wanna knock a piece off.."
    Tom:"Yeah. Like fucking a "KUMA"(bear),she said.Things are not going so great anymore."
    JJji:"Oh dear."
    Finally, I DON'T stay away from the love that keeps on agivin'. I travel up to Montreal three times a year, plus keep in constant e-mail touch(long e-mail today from points East Of Suez), not to mention burn up the phone lines. Incidently, I'm traveling in Southeast Asia till middle of March; Doctor Guy is (presently) in Capetown, South Africa(conference/holiday). It's queer, but works!And, NO! I'm not "tailoring the illness to suit the medicine."I'm implementing the C-U-R-E! I'm queer as a coot; the Doc ain't: a love made in HEAVEN! Yippee!
    -jake gittes

  • At 3:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Jake
    *We* know for a fact the following:
    1. Viks and M had been living together (in Boston) for a reasonable amount of time and doing *it*.
    2. The relationship stopped happening because Viks decided to move to Bombay to pursue career interests. I assume here that there was/ is no other reason for the break-up.
    3.Viks had no adjustment(expat!) problems while in Boston.
    What we can safely deduce from the above is : 1. There is no physical incompatibility and being the optimist that i am :), i dont see any differences cropping up because of that.
    2. Viks is still in love with M, but M might just have started seeing someone else : blame the distance.
    Though what was Viks thinking when he decided to chuck up the relationship and come to India is still a mystery. I will however give him the benefit of doubt and assume it was only a career move on his mind. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes ,and maybe, for Viks, that was it.
    Its not too late and heres wishing him and u and doc all the best.

  • At 1:21 PM, Anonymous José said…

    I'm sure boston would love to have you back (and anyways, let's face it, everything is better in Boston) but just don't go before I have the chance to get to India. I'm going to need a tour guide (will they let me bring brookline-ian Schwarma on the plane? I'm not above bribery)


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