I *heart* Bombay (and well..Boston)

I'm urban..in the way other people are mountain-people or tunafish junkies. I love city life...something about dreary concrete blocks and grumpy people totally gets my juices flowing. Ergo, this will be a blog about me, my two favourite cities (Bombay and Boston), my addiction to Vietnamese coffee and my views on Gregorian chant and it's efficacy in curing some types of tympannic membrane rupture. Enjoy!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Groan!

Well, after being bitch-slapped by a whole bunch of regular blog readers after my last, automatically generated blog post (Some of you seriously thought I spent the weekend with Sarah and Britney's boyfriends..silly people! Sarah and Britney are lesbians!); Vikster has decided (to refer to himself in the third person?) to get back to his brand of nonsensical whining about a non-existent dating life and lack of bubble-butts in this here Urbs Prima in Indis.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa....(Who knew scrouging could be this arousing?)

Anyway, I'm uber-bloated today. For lunch, I used to get khana from the neighbouring restaurants till I decided a daily diet of Chicken Biryani and Kali Daal was B.O.R.I.N.G.
Now I get a dabba with ghar ka khana (that is; if your ghar is anywhere in the Ludhiana-Ropar belt) from a nice auntieji called Babita. She strikes me as what Meenu and me call one of the "Haalthy and Waalthy" Punjus. She booms when she talks on the phone, she guffaws when you complain about the rotis and she has a bosom that brings to mind one of my guilty pleasures (No. Not that. I meant the series "Twin Peaks". I love Kyle MacLachlan)

Ann-way (As Babitaji says), the home cooked food is making me bloat amazingly. To recap this afternoons meal, I had 2 rotis, rice, kaali dal, alu gobi and gobi manchurian (I'm sorry: the guy who invented Gobi Manchurian has to be lined up against a wall and shot in the back of his head. It's absolutely vile). Oh! And did I mention the glass of Mirinda, jalebis and ...gulp...pani puri I also had for lunch? Washed it all down with some Energee (Only 10 Rs still? Is it still milk at that price?).
So now, I'm about comatose, my belly looks like even the most hard-hearted of Bombay commuters would give up a seat for me ("Bhaisaab, is it twins?"), and I'm belching a vile taste up (mix of Pani Puri masala, soy sauce and milk). I just wanna pass out on a nice soft bed and die.

This; dear readers; has been happening EVERYDAY! For the last 2 months. Thanks to which, I can now fit into only 3 pairs of jeans and 1 pair of pants. OK, so that's an excuse to go shopping which is good...but as B. will tell you; I'm getting very self-concious about the fact that I no longer have a Two-Pack Belly (I called him Tupac..pyaar se). I swear, those two drunk girls at Seijo last night were TOTALLY laughing at my distended belly. Bitches. I hope someone slipped some rohypnol in their drink or something.

On the plus side Meenu let it slip at Crossword yesterday evening that my ass was totally rocking. Me = happy enough to go halves on Vikram Seth's new book and let her read it first. It's about his uncle Shanti and his German-Jewish wife Henny (who looks so drag-queenish; it's not even funny). I think I'll get it when I come back from outta town on Monday. Hooray! Anticipating a new read is so much fun! Also sad. In some ways. OK. In many ways.

I love how I'm channeling all my relationship angst into body issues. I *am* Oprah's next 10 shows. All I need is some destructive behaviour to complete the trifecta. Hmm. Perhaps I should tear up that crappy cross-stich wall hanging that is the bane of my life. When accused of the crime, I'll just weep incoherently.

I think I'm hallucinating now. That Gobi Manchurian was "special" I tell ya! And all this time I thought you could only use *it* in brownies...

Current Music:
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

Literally Numb. I don't think I can walk home from work now. *jots down plan for healthier diet and promises to exercise from tommorrow. HAHAHA! Who am I kidding!!*

20 Comments:

  • At 8:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Let's just say Vikster's pants are heavenly snug in the bottom; and a zipper in the front waiting to be pulled down. It was more interesting than the 77 new sexual positions the new Cosmo had last night at Crossword. {Sigh} If only Vikster wasn't a MO.

    Meenu

     
  • At 10:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    MO?

     
  • At 11:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I understand that a blog is a personal opinion ... put on the net by the benevolence / graciousness of writers such as Vikram to be read by others andmake us (me atleast) feel nice...
    I strongly with utmost concern feel that the sentances "I hope someone slipped some rohypnol in their drink or something." be never used intentionaly or unintentionaly because of what i found for rohypnol on the net, http://www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/publications/factsht/rohypnol/

    ** Sorry Vik **
    am not laughing this time

    On the prowl
    (You know who this is)

     
  • At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    were you at carter road cafe coffee day yezterday around 8ish .. i sa u there

    satya

     
  • At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Vic--

    that bloated belly feeling is a lame substitute for a healthy relationship and some deep bodyrubbing/gymnasty with a man --take it from me. If you want to go down that rocky road i can't stop you, but who are you hurting in the long run but yourself? The road back is hard and lonely take it from me ( an ex-fat person) if it were not for Oprah, Galye and the girls on the View I'd still be a fat fuck. Those bitches helped my stick to my diet, that and all of star jones's chins.

    Why did I get fat after being super skinny all my life --well because i was not free to feed my body what it naturally craved --Jason Patrick from his Lost Boys period. Instead, I sold my soul to Bombay Palace and a truckload of cherry cream cheese pockets.

    (here's some relationship advice from someone who does not have one)

    You may not know this but you could be self sabotaging your man hunt by looking for the perfect guy and walking away from all the fixer-upper's around you. Why not do like they do in the real estate biz, and find a guy who just needs a little attention.

    duncan hines

     
  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger kate said…

    i thought the whole rohypnol thing was a hoax?
    Also, Duncan, the whole anonymity thing is overrated...i'm sure Vik'll lap you up the instant you tell him who you are!:P

     
  • At 5:17 PM, Blogger Abhimanyu Sahai said…

    and I have lost 6 kilos in the past 2 weeks!!

    I need some Babitajis in my life!!

    :-((

    -ab

     
  • At 7:37 PM, Blogger Parth Anand said…

    Funny...(is it twins..)
    Guess then...by the time we meet you could compete with the fat pot-bellied policemen in bombay or prolly even give them a complex...
    All thanks to babitaji...

     
  • At 9:09 PM, Blogger roswitha said…

    ... I need whatever Abhimanyu further up is eating. Six kilos in two weeks. Sweet zero-cal Jaysus.

    Kate - preliminary Googling shows that progesterex is a hoax - rohypnol is not.

     
  • At 9:30 PM, Blogger Dunce Happy said…

    There was something at some level that was very sweet bout this post.

    Very Veguli.

    Duncy!

     
  • At 10:08 PM, Blogger Rat said…

    I love Kyle MacLachlan too !!! Just saw "touch of pink" yesterday. So cute he was.

     
  • At 11:52 PM, Blogger Vijayeta said…

    Hmmm...talking abt yr pants...the CK undies showing suggestively do look cute! Oh, and if u want *it* in non-brownie form, come over :D

     
  • At 5:06 AM, Blogger Vikster said…

    Meenuji: Thank you for the advert. I will name my first son after you. Meenak J.

    Anonymous: She called me a Homo..Meenu is such a homophobe!

    Anonymous 2 (Colleague 1): I used it as a figure of speech. Sorta like I will kill you or You look like such a ghaat in that. I didn't mean no harm :-(

    Satya: Yes. I was at Carter Road with my friend GuppieTalks. Why didn't you say hi?

    Duncan: The only way I'm gonna get back my flat belly is by your constant ministrations. Alas, by your knowledge of Americana and cream chesse pockets, I sadly conclude you live in the Great Satan and we are destined never to fuck...meet..I meant meet.

    kate: You go gurrl. If you meet Duncan hold him till I get there.

    Abhimanyu: Trust me, this khana is doing the imposs. I have ben skinny all my life and now suddenly ~kapde fit nahin hote!~

    Parth: OK. So I'm NOT that pot-bellied yet. I'll probably kill myself before letting myself get to Policeman stage.

    Roswitha: Be careful of what you ask for!

    Dunce: Sweet? Me getting fat is sweet? *cries and swallows another couple of jalebis*

    Rat: DId you see him in Sex and the City? And in Showgirls? Both have rear nudity! Woohoo!

    Vijeyta: AyThenghew! From the bottom of my CKs..

     
  • At 5:16 AM, Blogger roswitha said…

    *cries and swallows another couple of jalebis*

    I suppose I should be thankful that the apple juice only went up my nose and not over the monitor.

     
  • At 10:24 PM, Anonymous kestrel said…

    Call up babita ji...ask her to leave the rice and raw salads( if any).and dont excercise..trust me..the belly will go to the butt........

     
  • At 11:50 PM, Blogger karuna said…

    Its amazing that biryani and kaali daal couldnt do what home food is doing!
    But I think its a conspiricy to get us shopping... i assume it will subside once i have a tonne of large clothes so that i just have to go shopping again to get new clothes! (or so i'd like to think)

     
  • At 6:53 AM, Anonymous Venkat said…

    OMG! Vickie! I didn't know you were in Bombay! Oo la la!! :O What say you and I have a phone date? :P If that would interest ya', don't hesitate to call me, at 9820565450, yeah? :)

    <3 Venkat

     
  • At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    arre men next time i will
    i just remembered u from the pic on the blog..wasnt sure if it was u u went out as i just came in..liked that thingy u were wearing on ur wrist..pretty rock n roll

    satya

     
  • At 4:50 AM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said…

    Vikster,

    I read your tarot cards last night all the way from Philly and here is what they told me:

    1. Relationship--within the month
    2. Tupac--ready to return with attitude
    3.No Oprah in the next six months
    4. You were born to be happy and you will be.

    Anyway, I've been where you are and it sucks. But it always ends.

    Cheers.

     
  • At 8:20 PM, Blogger Vikster said…

    Roswitha: Apple juice? Why aren't you mixing it with something a little more fun?

    Kestrel: I'm aiming to do just that. I'm going to cut down on my walking and talk a rickshaw everywhere like a good boy.

    Karuna: The madness has started. I went out and spent 2 Grand on new clothes...NAHIN!

    Venkat: Are you Venkat from Friendster? Thought you were in ol' Singapura?

    Satya: Say hi to me the next time. I hang out at Carters most evenings. I'm the idiot with the book.

    Enemy of the republic: OOOH! Awesome!! Cheers sweetie, thank-a-lot. (SOMEONE please get this reference!!)

     

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