I *heart* Bombay (and well..Boston)

I'm urban..in the way other people are mountain-people or tunafish junkies. I love city life...something about dreary concrete blocks and grumpy people totally gets my juices flowing. Ergo, this will be a blog about me, my two favourite cities (Bombay and Boston), my addiction to Vietnamese coffee and my views on Gregorian chant and it's efficacy in curing some types of tympannic membrane rupture. Enjoy!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Today's guest post (courtesy my best friend Meenu)

"You know that you're toxic…"

Britney Spears might have been referring to it in a sexual way, but I am talking about platonic toxicity, i.e. toxic friends. I had many in my youth, which was not THAT long ago, who I have exiled out of my life. Back then, these people started as toxic friends and ended that way too. I am much happier without them in my life. What do you do when you think someone is a well-wisher, but turns into a toxic friend once life changes for you?

As you guys know, I recently got engaged! Trust me, I have done my time as a singleton, unlimited vague relationships, jerks that were just using me, long-distance romances that didn't materialize and much more. In fact, in the last 14 years of dating (first boyfriend Matt Lebel with a bonafide mullet-it was sexy then!), I have been more single than attached. And the attached ones were nothing to write about (yet I mention them). So finally, I meet a nice guy who treats me well and makes me happy. Most normal people are happy for me, but not the toxics.

Flashback: Back in Boston, I had a group of single gal pals I hung out with all the time. About 7-8 sexy, super-smart, kick-ass chicks available at any moment of need or otherwise for each other. We all had other best friends, but we all came together over our singledom- and I was sort of the joining glue between it all- the common friend. It wasn't like we were mourning or anything, but more so just company when we didn't have dates on the weekends. Well, I flew that nest to come and work in India for the last year or so and met A. Since then, most of my gal pals have been super supportive and happy for me, except one, let's call her F. Every time she says something about me getting hitched, it's cloaked in negativity. For example, "Now we are losing you! How come you didn't tell me sooner? Don't turn into Bridezilla! You are now banned from our single chicks' night out". In addition to thinks behind my back to the other\nfriends "Meenu has changed so much!". It just hurts me for some reason.It's not like she has met A. or seen us together, and some day oranother, the other girls will also have other priorities in their life.It's not like her and I were Bert and Ernie, we weren't that close. Or at least in my book we weren't.

I am not going to make assumptions and say she is jealous because she may have her reasons, but it still does hurt when someone takes unnecessary digs at me. One of the reasons I didn't share all this with her before is because she is the queen of making a small issues huge events and then it is embarrassing to face the disappointment when those expectations don't materialize. More and more, I am realizing she is toxic and will have to be phased out. Sadly, she will assume it's because I am with someone, when really it is her attitude that is driving me away. Any thoughts? Advice?

PS: I am guest blogging with Vikster because we were discussing this earlier and I felt compelled to write. It made me feel better.



  • At 4:36 AM, Blogger Vikster said…

    I agree certian people are toxic and must be excised from your life like a hot knife through butter.

    You know I do the ritual cleaning of my cellphone database every so often to get rid of the people who've hurt me in some way or the other...

    It helps.

    There's SO many "friends" I don't have anymore..who I don't acknowledge. They cease to exist as people for me. I don't need the toxicity in my life.

    Meenu and Vik BFF!

  • At 7:36 AM, Blogger ryanfigueiredo said…

    hmmm... true.. i have to do some detox myself... have a nice weekend yu two...

  • At 10:23 AM, Blogger F-cubed said…

    Cleaning out the cell phone is the easy part. How does you rid them from your life and more to the point "how does one erase them from your memory".

    Much as I would want to, sometimes it is the worst experiences that linger on for the longest.

    Perhaps though, it helps in that it allows us to recognise the toxicity the next time we come across it.

  • At 12:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    There's nothing like the rush you get from crossing out an x-friend's name from your day runner, it is so empowering.

    I love to make huge scratches that dig through the paper and of course obscure the name on the other side. The feeling is a lot like doing something good for the enviroment like recycling or face painting IZOD and POLO logo's on poor children's faces from low income neighborhoods.

    I also love the paper shredder --OH this thing provides hours of fun. The last time i spent time with this machine i had to be phycially removed from the machine by some friends who were nice enough to organize an intervention. I mean everything I had stacked up for years hit the shredder, you'd be suprised by what you'd be willing to give up just to hear it go through that machine. The wonderful sounds it makes is akin to laying on the beach and listening to the waves or cracking one's knuckles.

    I think heaven's a giant papper shredder in the sky. Once you get there you can shove all the people you hate and the crap from your life through the shredder and be free from all the pain as a result.

    Like the giant wood chipper from FARGO.

    That's what you should do with Miss. F, just picture shoving her and all her bullshit and negativity through a wood chipper. It will be such a relief, trust me. And with friends like VIC and the new man, why are you even worried about a spinster like Miss. F.

    If you really want to be mean, send Miss. F a copy of "the Pride of Miss Jean Brodie" ( about an 40+ woman who never gets married ) on VHS and say something like,"saw this movie and thought about you, pumkin."

    Duran Duran 4ever

    Duncan Hines

  • At 2:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ooh, toxicity is based in insecurity. I have to admit that when I've been toxic, it's because I felt really unsure about or even hated myself. But know what? I grew up and realized how to treat people and myself--wouldn't it be better if this friend said, "Meenu, I feel upset because it's hard for you to be away and I haven't met anyone I want to be with." i.e. be honest rather than passive aggressive and gossippy. I would 1. straight up ask her if things are cool w/ you two; 2. if she doesn't answer in an honest, mature way, phase her out b/c otherwise continued communication will just enable her.... yo vik--send me an email at my first and last name at yahoo, or first initial last name at pace.edu....we MUST catch up!! Meghana

  • At 2:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I've had toxic friends, who spewed venom in their words but pretended nevertheless to be buddies.

    They dont disappear overnite from your life. Make a mental note of such people and phase them out gradually until one day they are completely out of your eco-system.

    * Now that you know they are toxic, stop paying too much attention to their words.

    * Typically, these are insecure attention mongers. When they are around, ask them for an opinion or suggestion. Make them feel important for a minute and they wont even notice you having disappeared for an hour or two!

    * Try not to make any new common friends.

    * Get busy. You are too idle if you have time to break your head over her toxic ways!!

    More later.

  • At 11:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am sorry, i have to disagree with some of you, on this board. I feel its necessary to face one's deamons, rather than run from them.
    Sometimes, we are afraid of speaking out and confronting our friends who might've hurt us in more ways than one. Thats because we care about how it might seem, or perhaps we just dont want to get our hands dirty. Ive never done that i never will. I know who my true friends are and ive let known through my actions or words, who are not! Its so much simpler, dont you think, why carry so much emotional baggage, ya ?
    Junaid M.

  • At 2:45 PM, Blogger Vijayeta said…

    Hey Meenu,
    I'd say enter this new beautiful phase in your life with all positivity and sunshine! Forget F. Think of her as this EXTRA HUGE excess baggage for which u'll have to pay a LOT!
    So, save that money, go shopping instead :-)

  • At 8:20 PM, Anonymous Matt said…

    Um Meenu... are you Meenakshi? I was just doing a search for my name on google and I came across this post. In my defense, yeah I guess it was a mullet but that's because my dad was a jerk and wouldn't let me have my hair long and all one length. It was the best I could get away with. =)

    Well anyway, if it is you, and it must be... how many girls have a first boyfriend with my name?! I would like to tell you that I thought you were very nice and very pretty. I would also like to apologize for anything stupid or mean I may have done. I hope I am a fond memory for you rather than a bad one. I will never forget some stupid comment I made to you that hurt your feelings. I remember saying it just to say something because I felt put on the spot. I also remember having my mom drive me to a florist to get you a rose and then the ensuing torture I went through in brining that rose on the schoolbus and then through the crowded halls of the school. But it was worth it. =)

    I know I was a typical mixed up and immature teenager at times. Now that I live a thousand miles from my family I am much better! =) I've been married for almost 7 years and have a 6 year old boy.

    Anyway, it's not often that I get in touch with anyone from my past, so it was fun seeing my mention. I wish you the best of luck with your engagement! Congratulations!

    (you can contact me through my site if you feel like it)


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