Ex-orcise!

Last night was cleaning-out-my-life night.

Stood on the weighing scale after Guppie mentioned how umm..paunchy I was looking in my tight Tshirt. I didn't wanna tell him those *weren't* low rise jeans I was wearing..it's just that I've no longer got a 30 inch waist. And the only way I can get something around my neither regions is by sucking in my belly and letting the wasitband finds it's own happy level somewhere below that vast overhang that is Vikster's paunch. (OK, So my mum thinks I'm obsessing..but for someone who looked like the Allies liberated him from Dachau just the night before all my life, any slight appearance of fat on me is treated with absolute horror and disgust). Especially since I took more than 10 years to get over my skinny body self-loathing...now I have 10 more years of fat hating to do?? No fair!

Anyway, made myself a diet plan. Only an apple for lunch starting tommorrow (OK make that the day after..I succumbed to the lure of grilled cheese sandwithces this afternoon). 50 sit-ups every morning (again, to be started tommorrow...I sorta overslept this morning...). And finally, the motivation? I bought myself a pair of pants that would make a grown man weep (OK so he'd have to be a gay fashionista!). And I bought them one size too small. My goal? Fitting into my size 30 jeans again while magically transferring all that belly fat to my ass. Hmm. Achievable? NOT with Christmas around the corner and Diwali sweets all over the kitchen still!

Also planning on a major detox campaign. I just realized that maybe drinking isn't the best way to forget your sorrows...writing them on a public blog for the world to see is SO much more fun! So I'm gonna try not drinking for a month. Well, I lie. I will still drink wine but am giving up on the martinis and cosmos. As for weed, I don't think I smoke enough for an intervention yet. Seriously, 2 puffs and I don't even inhale? What a loser druggie I am!

And finally, did the email cleanup.

I realized that my way of getting over past breakups with boyfriends was to create a new email ID so I can begin again ("a new slate" for the internet savvy generation). I occasionally have the urge to go back and re-read the emails to try to read the signs I was missing that the relationship was in trouble..but usually end up shaking my head at just how amazingly naive and trusting I was.

I deleted M.'s emails last night.

Gut wrenching. Absolutely gut wrenching. Especially when I realized how many of those emails had pictures of him and me together. Or just him and his dog. Or him and Boston. Pictures were the only way we could keep in touch in our long-distance relationship. The only way I could see just how awesome my boyfriend looked and how much in love with him I was. I caught myself reading al the emails we wrote to each other. Some love letters - romantic, tender, hopeful .. some letters full of lust - eager, horny.. some plaintive, some wistful, some happy, many sad. And the crescendo building up to the day he came to Bombay to visit me. The last email sent the night before I knew I was to see him agian after months of being apart.."in 26 hours I will be in your arms again"..

The slacking of emails after that. Almost as if seeing each other again was just too painful because we both knew what we were missing. Seeing how I was establishing my life here meaning I was building a space around where he was absent. Seeing how happy I was with him and realizing how sad I would be when he would leave. I think I understand why M. had to leave me and move on. I understand but it still hurts.

I deleted M.'s emails last night. As part of my cleaning-up-my-life process. Then why do I feel like crap?

Current Music:
Ne me jugez pas - Sawt el-Atlas

These brothers from Morrocco totally wow me with their blend of Arabic rhythym and French pop. Highly recommended.