Where have you been Vikky boy, Vikky boy??

I've been to see my wife, she's the joy of my life, she's a young thing who cannot leave her mother...

Before I scandalize all those who know me so well, let me just explain the (barring the Vikky boy bit and adding on Billy boy instead) rhyme; it's a rhyme we learnt to sing at school in Bandra..just like "Gentle brown cow, give me some milk..and I will sew you, a robe of silk".

Totally illogical. I mean why teach 5 year olds that cows need robes of silk before they provide you with some milk..unless it's preparing them for their twenties when dates don't put out unless you buy them something nice (like a cow's unused robe of silk).

I remembered this and things like this cause on my way to work today, I walked behind 2 very old Catholic Bandra aunties who because of their combined girth (Earthmother sized hips) blocked most of a very narrow road. And overheard their conversation and rthen realized why I love Bandra aunties so much and why I want to come back my next life as Maria Philomena Annunciata Rebello-D'Costa. Or plain "Philly aunty" for short. In a tight red shiny dress stretched accross an arse so broad you could drive a car over it. With sequins. Definitely with sequins.

Aunty No. 1: "Men, so hothot today no? Celia almost fell dowwwwnnn on Saturday in kitchen"

Aunty No. 2: "Men, you speaking so rightright. Today 40 no? or still they lying us on TV about 34-35-36-37-38?"

Aunty No. 1: (vehemently) "Yes men, too much lies they showing nowadays. I telling Michael that only, but men he bugger still trust everything.."

Aunty No. 2 : (nodding head sagely) "All bleddy crooks only..everywhere seesee crooks only men"

Aunty No. 1: (spotting neighbour) "SeeSee, Roanita also coming Pali market looks like. What she wanting perhaps? I smelt goodgood smell from her house Sunday men..she put pudina men, in everything!"

Aunty No. 2: "Roanita men, whenfor you cooking so bleddy much? So hot no? I am like icecream only" (I take that to mean she's melting..)

Roanita: "Aunty, I only cooking for special Sunday, you know. Father coming no? So I made goodgood roast"

Aunty No. 2: "See (talking to Aunty No. 1)! She only cooking else people. When we get invite, JesusMary knows"

Aunty No. 1: "Yeah, whatfor we neighbours? See how much slums in our Bandra men, how these bleddy Beharees come in Bandra? So pretty it was no near Pali? Now see, all bhajiwaala-types"

Roanita: " Aunty, India is democracy na? That's why."

Aunty No. 1: (peevishly) "I talking, she talking, why you centrecentre talking?"

Roanita: "Sorry men auntie, I going this way now..see you both in church."

Aunty No. 2: "Bye men, coming today no church? I see you there"

Aunty No. 1: "So hot, so hot men"


I love my Bandra aunties. Next time Bandra uncles. If only I can get into print a stern face and a slightly unbalanced gait (too many pegs last night, uncle?)

Current music:
I want to break free: Queen